I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
