Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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