I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
