She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
