I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
