piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
