Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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