i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
