I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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