my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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