I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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