3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
