Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
