The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
