i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
