Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
