this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My penis needs a shock collar
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
