Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I need moral support for this bender
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
