I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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