Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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