Kiss
Puke
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
