Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
