Duck Duck Cougar?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
