I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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