Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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