Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
