I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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