I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he fucked my hip out of place.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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