I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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