so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I currently don't understand fingers.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
