i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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