I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
