she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
