Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
