she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
