i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
