Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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