I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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