Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
