His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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