you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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