So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
