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Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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