Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Pants are for mortals
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
