forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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