So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
