The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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