absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
