Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
