I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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