I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Blood and glitter go together right?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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