She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I intend to get homeless drunk
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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