it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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