I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
