With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
