Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
