shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
