apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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