i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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